Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The 47% club

Standing on the corner of Main and Macral in a small Midwest town, I hopped upon my soapbox and began to harangue the street's passerby".
Hello out there all you Rush, Hannity, Levine, Romney fans and supporters. Can you believe that up to 47% of Americans pay no income taxes? Can you believe so many people live on handouts from the government? Imagine all those welfare mothers with their 80-90 kids? Those homeless mentally ill constantly bugging you on the street; that 70 year old lady who paid into social security for 40 years and now does nothing but live on the dole; that police officer that risked his life for twenty years and now collects what he believes is a well deserved pension; the fireman who had to leave the job on 3/4 salary after breaking his back rescuing some kid from a burning building".
"Wait!" shouts a man wearing a tea shirt reading "Romney not Obamy", " what do you mean lumping firemen, police officers and little old ladies together with irresponsible welfare mothers and the mentally ill".
Secure in the knowledge I had a foot and 60 pounds on the guy I stood my ground and replied,
"Sorry but it was not I who who came up with that but the presidential candidate Mitt Romney"
The man, taken aback as one horse-kicked to the chest replied, "You a damned liar!".
"Sorry sir, but its the truth"
"Prove it to me, and by the way,  I'm a retired cop from Medesto. 22 years on the force"
I turned to my computer laptop and played the now infamous 47% video.
"That ain't nothing. He's talking about all those blacks and Mexicans that collect welfare checks"
Turning away from the screen I asked the now smirking stranger if he paid any income tax last year
"Of course I don't, I'm on a pension"
"Sorry sir, but he explicitly includes those that don't pay income tax as part of the 47%"
I offered the man a seat as his eyes looked a little glazed and he begins rocking back and forth at a dangerous angle.
"It can't be! It can't be!" He mumbles to himself.
Next I ask him if he has any family members. He tells me he has a brother who is an ardent supporter of Romney. He tells me his brother works a a local coal mine.
"Does he receive a paycheck"
Of course he does"
Feeling a little like Maury Povich who has just relayed some devastating news to a guest than holds them by the arm and tells them "Wait there's more", I crouch down next to him and whisper in his ear, "He's also included in the 47%"
Up like a shot he rises to his feet. I wince
"What the hell do you mean?! Every time he's paid they take out federal income tax from his paycheck, dammit!".
"Listen closely to what Romney say on the video "47% of people don't pay income tax"
"But my brother does"
"No he does not" I gently reply as I watch my new, very irate friend clench and unclench his fists
"What your brother pays is a payroll tax. Income tax is income earned from stocks, bonds, a business. Like that"
His breath has become short and raspy, sweat runs from his brow and his skin a plaster white.
I don't want to do it but I feel the need to ask him one more question
"Sir, sir!. If you don't mind can I ask you one more question"
He neither answers yes or no so I give it a shot
"Sir, are your parents still alive"
With great difficulty he nods his head "yes"
"Do they receive social Security or Medicare?"
As if answering a question one finds totally unnecessary, he looks at me sideways with a strained look of contempt and answers "Yes, both on Social Security and Medicare"
"Don't you even think it" he glares at me with a wildness that sends a chills through my much bigger frame"
"Sorry ,Sir 47%"
Before I could blink he was up on his feet, face red and contorted in way I would have thought physically impossible.
"I don't want to hear no more! Leave me be! You are the Antichrist!
With that, he turned heel and proceeded to run toward a house of worship about 50 yards away. BY one of the windows stood the pastor intently watching us throughout our discussion.
"Pastor! Pastor! Please help me! The Antichrist just made me eat from the tree of forbidden fruit. Now I am doomed"
The pastor looked down on me with a grimace and slammed the window shut so hard he broke one of the glass panes.
I turned and sat atop my soapbox for about an hour ruminating about my encounter with this gentlemen who just before we met was happy and secure in his ignorant bliss. I began to feel a little guilty about what had transpired and the effect it had on this stranger. But I was sure that I had did the right thing as I always thought it better to be knowledgeable, even if it discomforted me at times, than then to spend my life in ignorant bliss. It was just at that moment I heard a chilling scream and watched as the chapel's preacher and janitor struggled to pull my new found acquaintance from a third floor window, Turning away I thought to myself " Maybe, there are some who need the comfort of ignorance like a child needs a pacifier to sleep. I then stooped down, picked up my soapbox, dropped it in a corner trashcan and went on my way, a little sad but also a little wiser.     

The 47% solution?

Well stop my heart and smack my bones. After 200 plus years we finally have a politician with a perfect understanding of that peculiar animal, the American. To paraphrase Mr. Romney, 47% percent of the population are nothing but a bunch of lazy loafers who's only goal in life is to live off the government teat, feet propped up all day watching television and drinking 2 dollar wine,expending no energy except when demanding handouts from the government at same time selfishly breathing in 47% of our nations precious oxygen supply. Just as remarkable is what was left unsaid by this modern day Socrates, in view of the audience present at this event, that the remaining 57% of the populace possess the virtues of being self-centered, avaricious, loathsome narcissists! Well knock me down and call me Shirley ! For the first time in American Political History we have a politician with a firm understanding of the general temperament of the American people. I bow down to this immense being, yes down on my knees with an Amen and a thousand hosannas! I hereby declare that there should be a bronze statue of this man gracing every square in every town in America; his likeness should be carved into Mount Rushmore but 5 times the size of the others there who did not posses his piercing sagacity,furthermore his portrait should replace Washington's on every dollar bill.
The only thought that grieves my heart is that there are many countries around the globe that are in much more urgent need of such a man, one who possesses an almost divine wisdom and sagacity. Countries like Argentina and Guatemala come readily to mind. I'll throw in 10 bucks towards the airfare.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Mitt Romney and the consequences for the American male

So Mitt Romney looks to be doing well at the primaries? He's charismatic, looks good and is a Mormon. Imagine if he's elected and passes a law that all American men must have more than one wife. That would be...would be... Great Caesars Ghost! Hey Abbott! Jumping Butterballs! More than one wife! Imagine,2,4,10 wives along with 2,4,10 mothers-in-law! And multiple brothers-in-law most of which will probably be looking to borrow money off you! Beware American Man, theoretically it could happen. I mean, look at Bring-em Young, grandfather of the Mormon faith, he had fifty-six. Yes, he lived to a ripe old age. Why? Those fifty-six hounds wouldn't let him die. He probably wanted to.
Just now I bought an open ended airline ticket to the Canary Islands. This guy gets elected I'm running for cover at least until I know the coast is clear.
BTW. Who names their kid Mitt? A frustrated minor league player?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Rush Apologizes? Well I'll be damned

Sorry, can't give you the whole scoop on the story but apparently something unprecedented in American radio occurred recently. Rush Limbaugh apologized to someone! Again, sorry I can't give anymore info because immediately after hearing the words "Rush apologized" I fell into such a swoon that hours later I'm still unsteady on my feet. Did he call the Pope The Anti-something? Did he run over an old woman in a parking lot? Pass gas on the air? I really don't know and don't care to know what he apologized for. The fact that he did it is what astounds me. It reminds me of what someone once said about a dog walking on its hind legs " he may not do it well but your amazed he can do it at all".

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Relgion and Politics: Fishing for the gullible

 Imagine a country supposedly so advanced as the United States that allows religion to have the slightest impact on politics. It must be the fact that three-quarters of our population are utter imbeciles that can't rely on themselves,but need the hope of the beyond as a salve for their dreary, forgettable, hum-drum lives . Want to see how people live in lands based on religion, try taking a look at such other countries as Iran. Iraq, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, or states like Tennessee, etc, where people live their lives adhering to ghost stories that should have been put to rest the moment man began to paint on cave walls. Would you like to live in one of them? By grace, no you wouldn't, gosh no.
Imagine a supposedly intelligent race of beings believing in such bunk. You  tell me " They speak the Truth" (whatever the hell that is)!Then:
If true then how do you explain atrocities such as the Holocost; Kamer Rouge; religions that preach the damnation of babies for no other reason than they were not baptised; religions that order those that do not believe to be converted or be killed. We won't even mention the witch hunts of the past that saw thousands and thousands of the old, ugly, innocent, mentally disturbed tortured and burned alive at the stake or a thrice married man hoping to become president running on a platform of truthfulness and morality. I could go on and on (and so can you) and pile example upon example.
If something good was to come unexpectedly into your life,what's the first thing you would do? Right away you would raise your eyes, say a few Hosannas and thank the God.And right away you forget all the effort you put in to acquiring your good fortune. Or on the other side (which is usually the case) it may just have been none other than a case of dumb luck?
 Do not kid yourselves that these politicians have the slightest faith in religious good as they pander for your vote. They are playing on your sense of  hope like Be Ho Grey strummed a banjo. Once they are elected God flies out the window and money comes rolling through the door.
Just imagine, the United States belaboring itself with what politician is the most religious? Oh, and as for these religious groups trying to exert their influence, they should be drawn and quartered. They have no place implanting their moronic ideas where they don't belong even by mere chance they may be sincere ( Just today a man claiming to be a devout Baptist tried to sell me stock in an oil field in Asbury Park, NJ)
America will be great again once its people throw off this hocus pocus and get in touch with that reality which made this country great in the first place.Which is either roll up your sleeves or use your head for something other than a hat rack.