Thursday, February 14, 2013

An Oldie but a Goodie

This is something I wrote back in 2008 and just "rediscovered it". I thought it funny but what was even funnier was that it was based on a true story.

Texas Pastor’s Advice for Better Marriage: More Sex, More Often
An escaped mental patient masquerading as a Texas preacher is back in the sanitarium after convincing a flock of sheep to engage in an orgy he called a week long "congregational copulation" marathon. Many in the congregation said they had some misgivings at the outset, "Well, it surprised the bejesus out of me" said a bewildered Lilly Stripes, "for as long as I can remember I have been taught that having, you know, s-e-x, was sinful other than when I intended to carry forth another sparkling bible thumper into this great nation of heathens". Joan Silva who at first seemed proud of the fact she hadn't had relations with her husband since Kim Carne's  number 1 hit, the screeching "Bettie Davis Eyes", looked quietly around before speaking, "you know for years I wouldn't go near him and then that darn lunatic preacher comes along and I have to get my head pounded into the headboard for 15 seconds each night for a week. And he takes a bath but once a month"
Leaving this inadvertent Temple of Sodom and Gomorrah I could see that this fiendish lunatic's bizarre escapade would reverberate through the community for a long time to come. Just looking at all the men with their chests pumped out like gorillas contrasted with the pale disgust on the faces of their wives sent shivers down this reporters spine. One particularly ill looking woman, following a paroxysm of dry heaves told me"it'll be a cold day in Hell before you hear another bed creak in this town, praise the Lord"