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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Scottish Golfer Drowns Trying To Retrieve Ball

Scottish golfer Thomas Ross drowned when he attempted to retrieve a golf ball that he hit into a lake. Ross, who could not swim dove into the water "in a sort of frenzy' said his longtime friend Joe Palsh. "He was kind of miserly. I guess the thought of having to pay 3 Euros for another just drove him over the edge " explained Palsh. Ross, worth at least $75 million USD at the time of his death was eulogized by his only surviving relative, his son Jake who works at the New York Botanical Gardens in the United States as a dishwasher. He had this to say about his dad, "my father was so tight he squeaked. The man was so cheap once he took a dollar out of his pocket and George Washington rubbed his eyes from the light". He continued, "my father walked slightly bent forward because his spine curved that way. Doctors told him they could readily fix it but he refused. Being bent forward like that helped him to find change people had dropped in the street'.
Mr. Thomas was buried in his home town of Glasgow. his coffin was carried into church by 4 pallbearers instead of the customary 6. He was laid to rest next to a lake that floods seasonally and is said to be infested with mice. Said his son Jake, who stands to inherit his father's fortune, "I will use the money in line with my memories of how my father used it. I'm going to Vegas, getting 14 call girls and going to play Black Jack until my lost hair grows back again again".