Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Colorado Lawmakers Threatened over Gun Contol Legislation

Death threats have been reported against several Colorado democrats after they sponsored legislation aimed at gun control. Democratic Representatives Rhonda Fields and Joe Salazar have found themselves at odds with pro-gun enthusiasts after sponsoring legislation that would make it a crime to shoot anything standing on two feet and possessing the faculty of speech, without cause. They also sponsored legislation to outlaw rocket launchers within 150 feet of an international airport. The threats came fast and furious, "You libbies should all be pushed out windows" was recorded on one representatives voicemail. Another went "I'm going to loosen all the screws holding my window air conditioner in place. Hopefully it falls on your head" screeched another. Representatives of the NRA, while denouncing the substance of the threats against law makers agreed with them in principle " while I would never sanction threats against anyone I can feel the callers pain" commented Joe Chidrool secretary president of the NRA, " but what these politicians are doing is downright wrong and unconstitutional. Next they'll be looking to ban the use of F-15's and bunker bombs by law abiding Americans". Rhonda Fields announced that she will be taking special precautions to ensure her safety such as not leaving her office any time the temperature outside reaches 60 degrees for extended periods of time. Salazar plans to move his office to the basement.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Beware of Sequestration: It's Not What You Think!

The imbecile factor in the United States has reached proportions that even me, a certified cynic of the twelfth degree finds hard to believe. America is headed towards an abyss known as Sequestration that will cause such irreparable harm as this country and its 330 million ignoramuses have never seen. Now before you start rolling your eyes and smirking be advised that I am not one of your regular "sky is falling' alarmists. Yes I know that cutting $85 billion from a country with a GDP of $13 trillion would cause as much harm as a child from New Jersey pissing in an empty fish tank. It's not the cuts that are going to do us in but the hit to our country's reputation for stability that's going to get us. The United States has been up at the top of the garbage pile for so long for only one reason, and that is its reputation for stable government. The world always assumed that no matter what band or what percentage of imbeciles were currently in charge, there were at least a few with enough oxygenated brain matter to rein the lunatics in before they hurt someone or broke something. With Sequestration that assumption will die a long overdue death and the world's financial markets and its players will turn on the United States like a pride of hyenas a bloody calf and bite with a ferocity that will stun the most sturdy American and bring him to his knees.He will finally wake up from his slumber but it will be too damn late!

Britain To Stick With Austerity Plan

Government officials in the U.K. re avowed their commitment to austerity, this after Moody's tore away the country's AAA rating dropping it to Aa1. U.K. leaders, following a prolonged meeting yesterday with top economic advisers from Greece pointed out that while such countries as the United States could afford 70% obesity rates, bloated mortgages and trips to Yankee Stadium, the U.K. had to learn to restrain itself from similar extravagance's. Finance Minister George Osborn (half-brother to rock icon Ozzy) paraphrasing America's  ex-president George Bush's commitment to the war in Iraq, said " Britain has to stick to the course and we will".
Reaction to the Minister's comments came fast and quick. "Holy crap!", screamed John Sterling a Piccadilly apple vendor, "losing half my pension to these damned austerity measures was tough but when our finance minister starts sounding like George Bush, well now they've gone too far!". The family of the great George Orwell posted an angry response to the finance minister's statements, " George spent his life trying to improve the English language and there you go, borrowing an expression from a man with the intelligence of an ape pissing down a tree". Mr. Osborne when asked by reporters what his reaction was to the uproar surrounding his recent comments responded by grabbing his crotch and scowling "Yo, tell them I said to suck this".

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Ron Jeremy: "I can have sex again!"

American heartthrob and actor Ron Jeremy can get back to work having sex. The star of hundreds of feature films including "Meet You in My Mami" and "Your Chastity Belt Is No Match For My Key" was sidelined by doctors after he was found to have an aneurysm close to his heart.
"It was real painful being away from work. As you know I really, really love my job" he stated with a pained look in his eyes.
Jeremy began his 30 year career as a motion picture actor at Butt Wild studios where he took an entry level position as a janitor. His big break came one day as he walked into the company bathroom aside then CEO Paul Litme. As Litme, now a security guard at Universal Studios recalls  " We walked into the bathroom together and ponied up to adjoining urinals. I started my business but it took a while for Ron to get started. He was reaching through his zipper up to his elbow. Intrigued, I watched out of the corner of my eye as he pulled out what I first  took for a fire hose" Ron recalls the same moment and continues "Litme looked down at me, his eyes wide as saucers.He then stared me right in the eye and said, Boy you ought to be in pictures!"
Jeremy said he is currently working on several projects including " I Was a Teenage Gangbanger' and "Doing My Duty While She She Shakes Her Booty".

Las Vegas Shooter Identified

Police identified a person of interest in a Las Vegas shooting which left 3 people dead and several injured. Ammar Harris is accused of opening fire on a Maserati driven by an aspiring rapper which then struck a taxi causing it to explode into flames killing both the driver and passenger.
"He was a good guy" stated a relative of the driver Maserati, "he loved that car. He worked odd jobs sweeping floors and delivering groceries for 2 years to buy  it". A relative of Ammar Harris, John Pullchit expressed shock and disbelief  that his cousin  would be involved in such a crime, "  Yo, I know my cousin got in trouble before but he was just turning his life around. He was telling me that he was gonna start introduction to the GED study. Then he was gonna apply to Harvard Medical School. He wanted to be a sturgeon".
Las Vegas police spokesperson State Theobvious described Harris as armed and dangerous and asked anyone with information on Harris' whereabouts to contact the Las Vegas police Department at U81-I812.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Another Clinton President!

Benghazi aside, I'm going to make a bold prediction tonight. In 4 years we will be welcoming the first woman president into office. Yes I believe that Hillary Clinton will win the next presidential election. She'll capture the women's vote overwhelmingly; the minority vote will be all hers, independents just interested to see if a woman can make a greater mess of things than any man in the past has done will go for here; and, most important she'll have President Bill Clinton as her consigliere, one other smart SOB. She's laying low now. Smart unlike Rubio out in front 4 years before looking more like a deer caught in the headlights than a dear should.
As for me, I'll vote for her.She's tough, smart, full of drive and ambition. Plus I'm interested myself to see if a woman can screw things up as bad as the last group of ner' do wells have done.

An Oldie but a Goodie

This is something I wrote back in 2008 and just "rediscovered it". I thought it funny but what was even funnier was that it was based on a true story.

Texas Pastor’s Advice for Better Marriage: More Sex, More Often
An escaped mental patient masquerading as a Texas preacher is back in the sanitarium after convincing a flock of sheep to engage in an orgy he called a week long "congregational copulation" marathon. Many in the congregation said they had some misgivings at the outset, "Well, it surprised the bejesus out of me" said a bewildered Lilly Stripes, "for as long as I can remember I have been taught that having, you know, s-e-x, was sinful other than when I intended to carry forth another sparkling bible thumper into this great nation of heathens". Joan Silva who at first seemed proud of the fact she hadn't had relations with her husband since Kim Carne's  number 1 hit, the screeching "Bettie Davis Eyes", looked quietly around before speaking, "you know for years I wouldn't go near him and then that darn lunatic preacher comes along and I have to get my head pounded into the headboard for 15 seconds each night for a week. And he takes a bath but once a month"
Leaving this inadvertent Temple of Sodom and Gomorrah I could see that this fiendish lunatic's bizarre escapade would reverberate through the community for a long time to come. Just looking at all the men with their chests pumped out like gorillas contrasted with the pale disgust on the faces of their wives sent shivers down this reporters spine. One particularly ill looking woman, following a paroxysm of dry heaves told me"it'll be a cold day in Hell before you hear another bed creak in this town, praise the Lord"

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Marco Rubio: Too Soon Out of the Gate

Marco Rubio's  gaffe/non-gaffe during the rebuttal of President Obama's SOTU is a perfect example of what I have said all along. Never let your lead guy out too soon! Mr. Rubio, heir apparent of the Republican Party and the upcoming Republican front runner for presidential nominee committed a minor gaffe the other night when on live TV he reached far to his left to snatch a drink from a bottle of Poland Spring. No real problem there. Looked a little awkward but nothing terrible. But here is the problem. By letting him out of the gate with 4 years to go until the election the Republican party has opened poor Mr. Rubio to the instant scrutiny of every fame seeking journalist and self-aggrandizing blogger in the world. Step in dog pooh? A million paparazzi snapping pictures of him scraping it off ; accidentally stiff some waitress at a local Piggly Wiggly, the waitresses union (if there is such) will picket his house the length of a month of Sundays (kudos to Curtis for that one); be blinded by sun glare early one morning and run over some mutt, PETA be burning your image in effigy; brush past a female office worker and have your right scapula touch 32 centimeters above her left breast, BANG sexual harassment and before you know they'll be 14 others standing in line to tell the same story. Big mistake by  the Republican party putting their top man out so quick. Should have brought out some imbecile like Michelle Bachmann first, threw everybody off guard, let her take the heat and then the last minute pull a bait and switch and throw Rubio into the lime lite, say 6 months before the election. Come on dudes, what happened to the thinking party of Sir Ronald Reagan? You guys drinking too much Tea?

Pope Quits, Joan Rivers Eyed as Cause

Pope Benedict XVI shocked the Catholic world when he announced his resignation on Monday. He attributed his decision to "advanced age". But what has really sent tongues wagging are reports that he came to his momentous decision shortly following a meeting with New York's Queen of the Yentas, Joan Rivers. His Holiness was heard to remark to a nearby cardinal during the visit "hey, that Jewish broad got a lot of pep in her". Onlookers were further shocked to see Ms. Rivers leaving the Vatican at 5 a.m. makeup smeared and clothes in disarray. When cornered by Italian journalists the next day the characteristically talkative Rivers seemed pensive and little in the mood for conversation. Her only comment was "leave us alone you greaseball bastards". Vatican officials hotly deny any connection between Ms. Rivers meeting with Benedict XVI and his decision to abdicate the papacy.
More on this developing story to come.

Marco Rubio: What it means to come from Maine

Marco Rubio's blatant attempt to garner popularity and possible contribution dollars from the folks that bottle Poland Spring Water by awkwardly reaching for a bottle of the famed thirst quencher during his rebuttal of President Obama's State of the Union Address set off a firestorm of criticism today. An  Aquifina official was one of the first to respond " All he had to do was ask. We would have given him a liter bottle. Look, instead he tries  to make everyone believe he's quenching his thirst with what amounts to a urine specimen cup" smirked an Aqufina official who would not give his name due to the sensitive issue of the matter. A Deer Park water spokesman was heard to lament " Dear Park, what he drank wasn't good water". A Gatorade official, when asked to comment about the matter did nothing  except to blow cigar smoke in this reporter's face and laugh hysterically while holding his immense, rotund belly. Even New York City's Billionaire Mayor got into the action " He paid for that? He should come to my city where the tap water beats those expensive bottled water hands down".

In all seriousness, a man reaches for a bottle of water, takes a sip and its the political news of the day. This is just a preview of the imbecilities we will all be treated to over the next 4 years as the next presidential election draws near. Like i said in an earlier post, buckle up and enjoy the ride. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

SOTU: My Irreverent 2 Cents

President Obama's State of the Union Address  was notable for several things:

1. Efforts to contain or slow climate change. This is a hot button issue in the United States as thoughts about it's causes and alleged progression run clearly down party lines. Republicans denounce it as a tool used by the pinko, tree hugging left to keep the United States dependent on foreign oil for the future; Democrats see climate change as a future significant threat to the globe and accuse Republicans of stymieing efforts at  curbing climate change so that their big oil donors will keep reaping record profits from the sale of oil and gasoline.
Conclusion: no politician is really going to stick out his/her neck on an issue that may not cause any significant disruption to the globe in 40-50 years. Their chief concern, both Democrat and Republican is  garnering enough votes to get reelected in 2 or 4 years so you'll end up seeing a lot of kicking the can down the road on this issue

2. Immigration reform is high on both parties agendas. Why? Hispanics now constitute 10% of this country's voting block. This just past Presidential election saw Obama come away with 70% of the Hispanic vote. Now everyone, Tea Party Republican and tree hugging liberal alike are shouting "Te Quiero" to the nation's Hispanic population

3. Gun control- that I wrote about in another post. Check it out if you like

4. Raising the minimum wage to $9.00 an hour. Shouldn't be hard. Both sides reaching out for votes and with many recently arrived immigrants, especially those of Hispanic descent, starting off their lives in their new country working low paying jobs (just as more or less every new immigrant population  in this country started off). Look for this to pass notwithstanding the BS spewed by Limbaugh, Hannity and that rabid raccoon Marc Levin

5. Troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. Don't see much of a problem here either for Obama. People here are fed up after 11 years. If they can't take care of themselves by now, then let them take the consequences (if they start shit with the US again I would look for a much larger response by the US. And we wont be coming in smiling this time).

5 and 6: Debt reduction and Medicare are extremely complicated issues. With Obama in his last 4 years in office; look for him to at least give both a shot. Senators and House members though, needing votes every 2-4 years to keep their jobs will vote along party lines. Possible kick the can issue, especially if another war flares somewhere

7. Fixing Bridges and other infrastructure. Infrastructure has been ignored by the leaders of this country for long enough. Bridges, tunnels, levees, and a whole host of other important structures are in such dilapidated condition that a national emergency should be declared. As an example the San Joaquin Vally system of levees is in such a bad state that a 6.7 mag earthquake hitting the area would not only swamp close to a hundred thousand homes in the Valley but also cut off a third of the drinking water to the state of California for more than 6 months. The country's infrastructure is in such widespread disrepair that a decision to repair it all would probably cut the country's unemployment rate to near zero instantly

8. Foreign Policy . This is going to be a tough one. Arab Springs, Africa spiraling further and further into disarray, doubts about the very survival of the European Union, North Korea building nukes while its people starve, Iran free to flex its muscles without having to keep a nervous eye out for Saddam, places like Haiti where people are still living in sub-human conditions following the deadly earthquake there, not to mention the perennial Israeli-Palestinian conflict all make for one great foreign policy headache

We live in a very complicated world, much more complicated than the cold war when everyone knew who made up what side. America is finding itself, after almost a century of world dominance to becoming, pardon the pun, merely human.It's going to be an interesting 4 years and with so much up in the air at this time I say lets buckle up, ignore the doomsayers and try to enjoy the ride as best we can. What else can we do?

Obama and The Second Amendmant: More complicated than he thinks

The President has come out swinging as regards guns and gun control in the United States. Requiring those selling guns to do background checks on those seeking to buy (including those "dealers" that are unlicensed and show up at gun shows selling everything from sling shots to rocket launchers out the back of their cars); increasing penalties for those known as "straw purchasers" ( who buy guns under their own name for someone else) and a host of other this and that's. Now the question is, how successful will Obama be in seeing many of these suggestions become reality. Not much in my opinion. I think he sees it in too rational a way. 300 million guns in the United States? "Too damn many" shouts the coastal (East and West ) populations who's only experience with a gun usually goes along with the term "Stick em up"."Too many unstable people with access to guns" comes another chorus; 30 shot clips, assault rifles, armor piercing bullets, etc... A swipe at these and a host of other initiatives are the grand hope of The President of freeing our nation of these terrible weapons of destruction and thus we can all go tip-toeing through the tulips without worry of being cut down like a bunch of brainless rabbits.
Is there too many guns? I don't know. Never held one.Too many unstable people around guns? Maybe, but looking at the amount of unstable people in this country (including those that are functional, like a certain A.M. talk show host who I hear screams the word " Tyranny" over and over again in his sleep) and the amount of guns in this country I would think there would scarce be a person able to walk the street without getting pinged!
Guns will continue to abound as long as the citizens of the US remain open to any conspiracy theory that happens to come their way. From Savage's " FEMA concentration Camps" to Marc Levin's frequent rants that the US citizenry is just steps away from "Tyranny, Tyranny", Tyranny", to those that think 9/11 was an inside job to the large majority of people that feel that an army of black helicopters are poised to land on their roofs at any moment, kill all the males and sell their wives and daughters to the Arabians as sex slaves as an FU for high oil prices. So every night hundreds of millions of "real Americans" hunker down  after finishing their mind numbing chores. with nothing to divert their attention, sweaty hands still cramped from milking cows or restringing chicken wire, clutching any assortment of firearms, bugged eyed and hypnotized as they listen to a host of make believe disc jockeys loosening up one conspiracy theory after another. The Rothschild's; Trilateral Commission; WHO, Obama born in Albania, etc... all fodder for these menaces of the airwaves who prey on these millions of sheep who's only experience with the outside world consists in standing by the interstate and shouting "look , there goes a car".
My solution? Some times there are no solutions. A more intelligent citizenry no longer afraid of monsters  under the bed or M.I.B.waiting at the door. That would be nice. But two-hundred plus years of American history, from the Witch Burnings in Salem, Mass; to the Birthers of the 2012 elections gives little hope that some type of American Renaissance is just around the corner. Until then the only advice I can give is : serpentine!  serpentine!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

German Terrorist Threat

My uncle Gino was a funny guy. I remember watching the movie Defiance with him. To put it short Jan-Michael Vincent played a man fighting back against a street gang that was terrorizing his neighborhood. Now there is one particular scene where Vincent is taking a shower when suddenly the shower curtain is ripped open and standing there is the leader of the gang with a few of his buddies. He looks at Vincent and tells him something like 'your time is coming" . He then smirks and walks away. My uncle suddenly starts laughing. I asked why he was laughing? He said " why the f--k would you warn somebody you were gonna whack em? It gives them time to prepare. You want to get them by surprise'". What sparked this memory? A story I was reading on Reuters where some imbecile radical German Islamist not only threatened to attack Germany but to kill Angela Merckel . Furthermore, not  only did he utter these threats but he actually gave a timeline, sometime this summer. Well, Mr Abu Azzam thank you for the advanced warning, You must be either an idiot or some self-aggrandizing schizophrenic who had his Xbox taken away. I hope this imbecile is caught, smacked, kicked in the ass and all around humiliated before being sentenced to clean the prison pigeon coops for the next 20 years . My bet is that this guy is some toilet cleaner with delusions of grandeur ( nothing against toilet cleaners, I used to be one myself, really). So Ms. Merkel keep an eye out and the rest of you Germans be careful. The last thing you want is some such misfit making a name for himself...

The Effort to Ban Rush Limbaugh

Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinman, arch-defenders of tolerance (that is tolerance that falls in line with their ideology) are leading a movement to ban Rush Limbaugh from America's airways over what they call his "sexist", "hate filled' and "misogynist speech" This speech, they say, goes on to incite similar feelings in the 10th percentile of American men who still  go about gaining a wife by hiding at the mouth of a cave and clubbing some unsuspecting woman on the head leading to a life of drudgery consisting of cooking, cleaning, pregnancy and other such vile and unnatural acts.
This article on CNN on banning Rush really surprised me!. No, not the fact that there was a push to ban Rush but that it was two old crows like Jane Fonda and Gloria Stienman that were leading the charge. I could have sworn Jane Fonda was by now sitting on a porch at some assisted living facility complaining that the cleaning lady was secretly stealing her money. As for Steinem, I thought she's be sitting at the right hand of our good Lord bent to his ear, giving him a good piece of her mind till thoughts of vacationing in  Hell crossed His mind.
Now please don't get me wrong, I don't care for Rush to any extent. He aims his audience at the percentage of American men who still can't walk upright and worse still can't come up with a thought on their own. Their days consists of sitting by the radio passively taking in whatever Rush (or Hannity or that rabid Mark Levin) spew out and then fan the earth trying to paraphrase these pedagogues themselves while working at the local car wash , setting up pins at bowling alleys or meeting in dark rooms to practice secret handshakes. As for me, I've listened to Rush a few times while stuck in traffic with nothing on the FM dial but "The Wall" by Pink Floyd which I detest. I found him to be moronic,bombastic, idiotic, and at times ridiculously amusing ( like a dog that walks on his hind legs. He doesn't do it well  but your surprised he can do it at all). Should he banned? Than the clowns at Barnum and Baily should also.
BTW: I took a look at  the website of Co-Founders of Women' Media Center and part of their mission is "Media Advocacy Campaigns and Media Monitoring For Sexism". Translated this means "A bunch of old woman with nothing better to do than kick up a little dust".