Sunday, April 21, 2013

EU Promises Less Austerity. Angela Merkel In Stable Condition

EU ministers, amazed that austerity measures have not lead the 10% GDP growths throughout the European Union have agreed to lessen such measures in an attempt to spur growth in the Union. Growth, measured by Gross Domestic Product has fallen lower than Justin Bieber's dwindling popularity since austerity measures have been the primary focus of debt reduction. Human misery though, as measured by people jumping out windows, consuming barrels of alcohol and downloading millions of internet copies of the Protocol of Zion, have risen higher than a hot air balloon in a hurricane.  
Not everyone was happy to hear the news, though. It was reported in a German newspaper that Angela Merkel, Germany's Chancellor and chief proponent of austerity had to be coaxed from a window ledge by staff members wearing masks with the likeness of Ronald Reagan after hearing the news. She was given injections of Haldol and Valium and is now resting peaceably in bed playing gin rummy with George Soros.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Austerity Fueling Anti-Semitism ( In Where Else ) France

The French, never one to look in the mirror in search of the cause of their trouble have gone after their old standby punching bags, the Jews who they claim back every bank for the European Central Bank to the Mississippi Savings and Trust in Biloxi; dictate all decisions put forth by the International Monetary Fund; at times hoard everything from toilet tissue to Lamborghini's then sell them at much higher rates and are the brains behind a bunch of brutes called the Mafia. Peter Belaz , who does not consider himself racist said "I don't hate blacks or Catholics or homos because they don't bother me. But them Jews, their a sneaky bunch, steal the wallet out of your eyes from your head and you won't know until you try to tread a needle". Mr. Belaz , wild eyed and drooling then ran over to an ancient looking Orthodox man bent over at the lumbar spine and smacked the hat off his head. Belaz , in his early 20's, 6 foot 4 inches and 230 pounds then challenged the elderly Hebrew to a fistfight. Luckily a police officer was walking by an arrested the Jewish man for vagrancy. We spoke to the Senator of Paris who stated crimes against Jews have actually declined since austerity measures were put into place " Things around here have gotten pretty miserable around here so the Jews (have you ever seen a poor one?) more or less cleaned out their bank accounts and left. So less crimes against Jews" he stated proudly.
Looking toward the future, who will the French target when there are no Jews left to blame for their troubles? Most other peoples unofficially deemed undesirable, like the Romanians have either left on their own accord or been deported. A day may come when all that will be left in France are the French and if they thought the Jews were bad they got some surprise coming.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Enough is Enough! Kim jong un Becoming A Real Pain in The Ass

I think that Kim Jong un has become on of the world's biggest pain's in the ass. Every time some little fourteen year old school girl catches his eye he pretends to go on the warpath in hopes she will  become so enamored with him, that she'll, in Rod Stewart's famous words, "spread your wings and let me cum inside". He has been known to go to great lengths to impress the ladies. For example, one night Shin mi up, a local high school sophomore was sitting with Kim watching  a biography of Pope John Paul II when the camera crew panned the gold leafed Sistine chapel. Shin, impressed by the beauty of the place crooned "wow, what a beautiful building". Turning around she saw Kim's face flush with anger. A moment later Kim demanded a telephone from one of his emaciated servants, Telephone  delivered, Kim propped it up in his lap and dialed the operator. The following conversation, translated into English for our American readers went something like this:
"Hello operator, gimme the Vatican" Kim said sternly as he watched the young lady's eyes widen in awe
Operator: '" Do you mean the Vatican in Italy'

"No" screamed Jong at the startled operator, "the damned Vatican in Teaneck New Jersey"
'OK. OK calm your ass down a bit,my friend"

"Do you know who you are speaking to operator, I'm am the leader of North Korea'
"Do you know who you are speaking to,sir" began the operator, "Shirley Taylor from the Bronx who may or may not put your phone call through (and in a barely audible voice)  white motherfucker.
I am Korean, not white' Kim shot back
"White, gook you'll look the same to me" Shirley answered before putting him through to the Vatican.
Ring! Ring! " Hello you reacha the Vatican, how is it that I can helpa you?
I am Kim Jong un leader of north Korea. I want to speak to the Pope!
"Kim Jong un? Wasn't it you father who threatened to destroy the United a States with a catapult? What happened? Did they put him inna the place witha the softa walls".
"No, he died' answered the Korean prince"
"Ah, that's to bad. Hey, are you ubotz like you father"
'What was that?" answered Jong
'Marrone, hah, hah. Don't worry about it. As a far as speaking to the pope, it is impossible right now. He is washing the feet of the construction workers that are putting inna the new toilets right a now.'
Turning to the young lady Kim continued " well tell your boss that because of past atrocities against the Korean people I have decided to fire a rocket that will crush the Sistine chapel and turn it into the world's holiest parking lot" with this Kim's girlfriend began to breath heavy as she reached up and removed her panties from under her short skirt. Kim, enthralled with the spectacle initially did not hear the voice of the Vatican official trying to get his attention.
"What! What! Kim answered with sullen tone in his voice.
"Scusa, did a you say you was gonna make a parking  alot out of the Vatican' asked the Vatican official
'That is correct, you miserable peasant!
'Coulda you please hold on for un momento please"
'Sure" Kim answered, ' but it better not be long'
A moment later Kim heard a different voice come up on the other side of the receiver
"Is this Kim Jong un?" asked a gravelly voice with the weird accent .
"Yes it is, the one and only" answered Kim as to his delight his young lady had knelled down in front of him, her right hand deftly tugging at his pants zipper
The man with the gruff voice began to speak, suddenly Kim began to turn pale and his little girlfriend soon found herself holding a replica of a wet noodle.
The gruff voice spoke up ' listen you gook piece of shit, who the fuck do you think your threatening. I'll come over there and use you as a new ornament for my Cadillac you scumbag. Just remember, your getting a pass right now. See what the fuck we did to Kennedy and his buddy Hoffa.. Call this number again and you won't have enough nuclear weapons to save yourself. Fuggedaboutit!
Kim, sweating profusely ordered all lights to be turned off and all doors to be looked. Looking down and seeing his little girlfriend still sitting there in amazement, he screamed, Your still here! Get the fuck out!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Justin Bieber and the German Question

Justin Bieber has been taking a lot of heat after apparently not knowing what the word "German " meant while being interviewed on a New Zealand television show. During a sit down moment with the shows host Bieber was asked if it would have made a difference during World War II if the allies had reacted quickly and stopped Hitler at Munich, possibly halting the German advance through Europe and providing an early end to the war. Bieber responded
" Well I believe that Hitler's march to war could have been stopped even earlier by crippling airstrikes on his most important infrastructure sites and factories. And by the way what's German? We don't use that word in America".

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Syrians Are Dying. World Turns Its Back

I remember reading the book "We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed with Our Families: Stories from Rwanda " and finding it incredulous that with all the information readily available that a genocide was imminent that the world, including the United States sat back and allowed close to 1 million people to die by stick, stone and fire at the hands of their fellow countrymen. Sure a host of the world's government officials later on when the coast was clear expressed regret and sorrow for what happened, but that did nothing to comfort the pregnant women who were disemboweled and their babies who were bayoneted, or the many who were packed into churches side by side with their children and forced to watch them die as the marauders set the building aflame. A similar scene is occurring right now in Syria, and like Rwanda the world's governments are well aware of what's going on but don't have the guts to step in to do something about it. Close to 70,000 Syrians have died since the uprising. Many of the country's population now lives in constant fear of being killed. Hundreds of thousands are starving, and, incredibly both sides, rebel and government sources are jailing, firing on and in some instances killing International Red Cross Workers partners in the area, The Syrian Arab Red Crescent, the only people with balls enough to do something to try to help the Syrian people. So today I say SHAME on the governments of this world who are standing around genuflecting to such entities as the world markets, IMF and WHO while the people of Syria die alone and like dogs. And as for those that are firing on International Red Cross workers, you are a bunch of cowardly scumbags that deserve not an ounce of pity when the time comes for you to answer for you actions

Have to take North Korea's Threats Seriously

Kim Jong Un is one dangerous son-of-a-bitch right now. I came to this conclusion after realizing that Un was indoctrinated in a whole host of lunacies by his father, Kim Jung il. And as is well recognized by most, the followers of a demagogue are much more dangerous as they have likely to have been brainwashed by their twisted mentors. As an example, when was the last time you heard that a leader of a terrorist group such as Hamas ever strapped on a bomb and  became a suicide bomber. Kim Jong Un is still a follower, following in the ways of his father, but in a much purified form, probably never having had a thought in his head not influenced by his father. Kim Jung il was as shrewd as he was nuts. He knew spewing a little bluster, talking a little bullshit netted him what he wanted at the time, whether it was a thousand bushels of wheat or a few suitcases stuffed with cash. His son probably was never made privy to those aspects of iL's diplomacy. He probably just saw his father as being tough enough to bring the West to do his bidding. I can imagine iL's craziness crystallizing in a much more purified way in his son. And that's what makes this situation so dangerous at this time

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Austerity Measures in Europe Working Says Lucifer

In a press conference from deep inside the bowels of Hell, Lucifer congratulated Euro zone members for austerity measures that have kept the pits of Hades constantly ablaze with the addition of new souls . "I myself could not have dreamed up a more perfect scenario. Why I'm having to pay my lower devils double and triple overtime just to keep up with the new arrivals each day". The Devil said that austerity measures heaped on countries like Spain, Greece, Portugal, Italy, etc... have made the Zone a veritable "hell-on-earth". "19 million people out of work, a quarter of the population under 25 jobless, grinding poverty, no growth in the economy, no hope of things getting any better. All these combined should keep Me running at top capacity for years to come!".
When asked if He had eyes on those that have insisted on pushing these austerity measures, the King of Darkness responded, "In the end I'll get them. They'll be much more fun. Why? Well you of see the hoards coming now most have such horrible lives that they really can't tell the difference between Hell and Earth.Many find they're way here in search of money to buy food for they're children or pay their rent. Let's face it, their desperate and without hope. but members of the Troika live good, eat well and grunt as they watch others misery. I get them by surprise, I really enjoy that. And I've got a special place just for them". The Devil than turned to his right and pointed out a large imposing structure that resembled a prison but wrapped in a swirl of fire and debris, "look there, read the sign over the entrance" looking over I squinted and felt a shiver down my spine. The sign read "THIS HOLE OF HELL RESERVED FOR MEMBERS OF THE IMF, EUROPEAN CENTRAL  BANK, AND EUROPEAN COMMISSION.  

Monday, April 1, 2013

America's 2nd Civil War

America is in the grips of one of its greatest crisis' in over 200 years. No it is not the financial crisis I'm talking about but the crisis of civil war that is pitting father against son, brother against brother, best friend against friend ( I exclude women because they're too level-headed to be taken in by all this BS). It is a civil war of ideology brought on by the imbeciles in government; demagogues on radio, and the incessant 24 hour news cycle that turns the most trivial things into mountains, all in search, not of the truth, but in the quest of ratings. I have seen friends who have known each other for 20 years go at each others throats over matters of ideology that aren't worth a damn.
Listen, the sky is not falling. America is not collapsing (and never will), and the Anti-Christ has better things to do with his time than to spend it on morons. All those who are stocking up on dried foods, gold, guns and penile enhancement formulas are all going to feel pretty stupid in another year or two when....nothing happens. And that is when their troubles will really start! That's when their wives' patience will finally run out and they'll begin to get really pissed because they'll soon begin to wondering why these hairy-chested, bald-headed, once a week shower-taking gorillas spent thousands on distasteful food that even a hungry rat would turn his nose up at; why they spent a year sleeping in tents on the lawn because there was no room in the house because it was filled with all this unnecessary crap; why all three televisions were set constantly blaring, all on the same channel for months on end; but ultimately they will wonder why they allowed their lives to be made miserable by a bunch of imbeciles who sat screaming at the television when they could (and should have) been out looking for work. And that is when the civil war will really start. A woman scorned is bad enough but when you add to that her realizing that she was ultimately scorned by an imbecile, well I think Elvis put it best when he sang "That's when your heartache begins".