Monday, July 14, 2014

Erroneous Reports Surrounding the Arrest of Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

It has been reported in various news outlets that Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was arrested following a dispute at his family's tanning business in New Jersey. But this reporter has dug up the real reason the Jersey Shore Alumni was arrested and it had nothing to do with a dispute at a tanning salon nor did it even occur in long Island. Sources close to the investigation say the Italian playboy was arrested by officers from the 45 prescient in the Throggs Neck section of the Bronx. Sources state that Mr.Sorrentino entered a local espresso shop and asked for an iced espresso. The elderly man behind the counter, eyes narrowed responded, "Hey this is a no Star-a-bucks, we no make espresso like-a that. You want a bull-a-shit drink like-a that you go over there". Mike, trying to keep calm asked if he just throw a few ice cubes in his drink. The proprietor now crimson and with narrowed eyes shot back, "how would-a you like it if I stick a few ice cubes uppa you nose. I could possibly fit a whole try up there". That was it for Mike who picked up a nearby cannoli and tossed it at the owner. The owner yelled for help and out from the back charged the owners 14 sons, 8 nephews and 14 cousins all with murder on their mind. Mike put up a valiant fight using the backs of his shoes as he ran through  the door of the establishment and down Crosby Avenue where he was arrested by police and charged with destroying some of the finest Italian food in the Bronx. He was also charged with assault on a police officer after the flatfoot slipped on some of the grease that had fallen from the celebrities hair as he tried to make his getaway. He was released after an unimpressed judge placed him on bail of $17 which he duly paid in nickels, dimes and quarters. He is expected to appear in court in two weeks where he is expected to defend himself by stating the whole incident was just a ploy by local police to show Italians in a bad light. Said Sgt.Haid of the 45th prescient, "If putting Italians in a bad light was an detainable offense, Mr.Sorrentino would be doing 25 to Life in Pelican Bay right now".