Monday, July 14, 2014

Erroneous Reports Surrounding the Arrest of Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

It has been reported in various news outlets that Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was arrested following a dispute at his family's tanning business in New Jersey. But this reporter has dug up the real reason the Jersey Shore Alumni was arrested and it had nothing to do with a dispute at a tanning salon nor did it even occur in long Island. Sources close to the investigation say the Italian playboy was arrested by officers from the 45 prescient in the Throggs Neck section of the Bronx. Sources state that Mr.Sorrentino entered a local espresso shop and asked for an iced espresso. The elderly man behind the counter, eyes narrowed responded, "Hey this is a no Star-a-bucks, we no make espresso like-a that. You want a bull-a-shit drink like-a that you go over there". Mike, trying to keep calm asked if he just throw a few ice cubes in his drink. The proprietor now crimson and with narrowed eyes shot back, "how would-a you like it if I stick a few ice cubes uppa you nose. I could possibly fit a whole try up there". That was it for Mike who picked up a nearby cannoli and tossed it at the owner. The owner yelled for help and out from the back charged the owners 14 sons, 8 nephews and 14 cousins all with murder on their mind. Mike put up a valiant fight using the backs of his shoes as he ran through  the door of the establishment and down Crosby Avenue where he was arrested by police and charged with destroying some of the finest Italian food in the Bronx. He was also charged with assault on a police officer after the flatfoot slipped on some of the grease that had fallen from the celebrities hair as he tried to make his getaway. He was released after an unimpressed judge placed him on bail of $17 which he duly paid in nickels, dimes and quarters. He is expected to appear in court in two weeks where he is expected to defend himself by stating the whole incident was just a ploy by local police to show Italians in a bad light. Said Sgt.Haid of the 45th prescient, "If putting Italians in a bad light was an detainable offense, Mr.Sorrentino would be doing 25 to Life in Pelican Bay right now".

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Detroit's Blacks Undergo Water Torture

A concerted effort by Michigan Republicans to force every last black person out of the City of Detroit has taken an ominous turn that has sparked outraged from Spain to Canada.
 Frustrated Republican lawmakers and elected officials have tried everything, from replacing much of the City's police force with cheaply made scarecrows, replacing streetlamps with wood burning lamps shaped like crosses to turning over the Department of Social Services to recently paroled members of the Alabama Tea Party. All this to convince the City's African American to scram ( in a case of misguided cultural attack, officials ordered the closure of every chicken joint and Chinese take-out in the City). But the proud last residents of the Motor City refused to knuckle under. Bravely they fought indignity after indignity with pride and a grit that caused every state GOP member to question his faith in God, Capitalism, and his preconceived notions of black folk in general. "What in the name of the great good God can we do to these people to get them to leave so we could announce a renaissance and sell all these dilapidated buildings to interested whites for millions like they did in Harlem 20 years ago?", lamented one of the State's leading Republicans speaking to a crowd of lawmakers at a meeting held at Linda's Bed, Breakfast and Bordello just outside the State's capital. His exhortation was met by bewildered stares and mouths agape. All was silent until a lone hand was raised way in the back. " Yes," gasped the speaking perspiring freely. The man in the back stood up, cleared his throat and began:
"With all due respect  Mr. Speaker, I think you have been going about things the wrong way. You see these are black people, they don't care if there are no cops around. In fact, they like it better that way. The Social Services thing was a good idea but unfortunately the Patriots while tough from afar turned tail and ran at the first black face they saw. The burning crosses? They just lit their blunts on them. See, your thinking in the wrong way. When you really want to make somebody run you have to do it either at the point of a gun or by taking something from them of such basic necessity that their very lives depend upon it". Every head nodded in rapt agreement. Nervously the Speaker rose but before answering took hold of a pitcher and began to pour water into a glass to moisten his parched tongue.
"That's it!" exclaimed another member of the audience, almost leaping out of the chair. "What's the most basic thing a human being needs?". "An alibi", piped up several audience members in unison.
"No, even more than that! Water! Every single person needs water to survive! They need it for drinking, to cook, to wash, well, hm maybe not in this instance" he chuckled along with the rest of the congregation. " All jokes aside" he began again after a moment spent composing himself, " water is the most essential substance required by mankind. Find a way of cutting it off and you'll have all of them tap dancing back to Harlem in no time!". These comments were met by an immediate roar of approval by all those present including the leading Republican of the State.
Right away they got to work in setting out the legislation designed to drive all the remaining black folk from the City of Detroit. What they came up with was this:
"In so far as the City of Detroit has an unemployment rate of over 14%, in as far as 40% of the City's children live below the poverty rate, in as far as intended to raise the cost of water by close to 10% it has been decided that the City will forthwith began to turn off the water of those who are at least 60 days late and have an annual income of less than $14.50. Sports arenas and golf  courses will of course be exempted from this new legislation. Now the perception may surface that the State is targeting African Americans, especially since African Americans make up 99.6% of those targeted to have their water service interrupted, this is totally untrue and mainly an invention of the Main Stream Media".
And so started the program to deprive some of the poorest people in this country, a necessity that the UN Charter calls " a basic human right". That is, access to clean, potable water. Collectively, every damned person in this country with the slightest bit of conscience should be outraged by the actions of the Governor of State of Michigan who regardless of what others may think or say, calls the shots. I find it disgusting that in the United States of America a program so draconian, even life threatening should be loosed upon a large portion of the nation's citizens. I would even go so far as to call it an attempted act of genocide. Today, for the first time in my life I feel ashamed to call myself an American